A tale of two Irons... oh the irony.

Or was it four?
Okay okay, so you want the whole story...
I had a beautiful thing, it was a lovely shade of off-white (or maybe it was white and just old) and purple, and old as I don't know, perfectly weighted, Qual-i-ty! No joke. Now, I only came to appreciate all of this the day it finally kicked the can.
Yes, yes I'm talking about my iron.
People have been using electric irons since 1882, when a wonderful man named Howard Seeley invented the contraption.* And let me tell you, mine was perfect.

Now, I had noticed that my iron's performance hadn't been living up to what I had come to expect, but I worked around it, I ironed more with the bottom end of it to compensate that the top didn't heat properly. But on May the 3rd 2011 it finally died for good... nothin. Okay, no problem, right? Wrong.

I sent my DH off to Wal-Mart to get a new one, my instructions were very few "it doesn't really matter, just any one will do" little did I know at the time.... so he comes home with a $6 iron! Did you know they make them out of teflon now? Seriously? I guess they had to find a new area to market the stuff since everyones getting smart to the fact that its no good for cookin in, right?

I tried, really I did... I think my fabric looked better before I ironed it. So I sent DH back again, this time he comes home with a twenty some odd dollar iron. It weighs virtually nothing! It's too shiny, maybe I'm just too picky, I dont know... It has weird turney dials, I don't like it, and I don't think it likes me. Worst of all: When I open it up and look at it's too shiny surface I see my face, and a lumpy chocolatey looking smudge thing looking back at me. Now, I'm not saying for certain that it was chocolate, I sniffed it, it didn't smell like chocolate, but I sure as heck wasn't about to taste it.

At this point my poor husband has taken two trips to Wal-Mart (not including the trip to a friends house to borrow an iron first, now I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think that irons working properly at all... hard to tell) I have some aprons to make! So I wipe off the chocolate, or whatever, and get to work.

I'm ironing cotton. Why? Why does my fabric sound like theres enough static electricity in it to power a small coffee grinder in it? I try it out on a lower setting cause I'm no dummy, I gotta geta feel for this new contraption, right? I try to slide it along my fabric, but it sticks... instant dark brown scorch spot! and smoke, and sizzle and smell! YUCK!
 I lift the iron, and realize the sound is comming from it not from my fabric! Crack Snapple POP! Why me?

Did you know, many Wal-Mart locations are open 24 hours? My poor husband does. 2 am, I'm on a schedule here! I've been trading out irons all day and haven't got any good solid work done here!

The third iron was anti climactic, I didn't like it. It didn't have an owner's manual, but at least it didnt have chocolate... or whatever on it. It worked, not as well as my old one...The metal was too thin. It had water marks inside the tank, I realized, once it got heated up, which explains why the manual was missing.
 It kept beeping at me, I still don't know why, and probably never will, since I don't have the owner's manual. But it got the job done, kindof. And as I sent DH back to Wal-Mart for the- well, who's counting- time, to return the third iron, I realized: 2 out of 3 irons had been purchased previously, and returned, which means someone out there must agree with me: THEY JUST DONT MAKE 'EM LIKE THEY USED TO!!

Yes, I know it won't work with the cord cut off... at least this way my daughter gets lots of play out of it and it can stay in the family.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ironing
Special thanks to @JeSuisPrettyful  for inspiring me to tell my story!